Standing in the Ashes

I've tried to write this post three times. It seems like everytime I sit down to write I get about halfway through and stop. There simply aren't words. I'm sorry for what I'm about to write, because I know there are better ways to tell people, but I can't have this conversation anymore. I don't have the emotional strength to go through this with each of you.

This year I have watched my entire life crumble before me, piece by piece. I'm tired of pretending like everything is alright, so I'm just going to stop. It's not alright. Here's my story:

In January of this year I found out that my dad is, and has been since before I was born, an alcoholic. I knew that he drank, but I didn't know that he drank every night, or that he drank over 40 drinks a week. I've never known my dad when he wasn't an alcoholic.

In February my best friend called me to tell me that they found a tumor in her mom's colon and were waiting to find out if it was cancer or not. The next day I called her back and told her that my mom found a lump in her breast and that they were doing a biopsy. Jordan and I have been best friends since we were babies. I have never known life without her or her mom. 2 weeks later I found out that both of my moms had cancer.

In March Jordan's mom had a third of her colon removed. My mom had more testing done and scheduled a mastectomy. During this time I was living with my aunt and uncle in Glen Rose, working at my uncle's clinic. It was here that I learned more about my dad's struggle with alcohol, depression, and cigarettes. He didn't want to stop because he didn't see anything wrong with that he did.

In May I moved to Galveston, right before my mom had surgery. I left behind my best friends in the world, my roommates of 3 years, and my church family. My mom came to stay with me after surgery, and I watched as the strongest woman I know lie there in bed, unable to even sit up without my help.

In June my mom started chemo and lost her hair. Her first round of chemo sent her white blood cell count to 0.6 (a normal white blood cell count is between 4.5 and 10). She got extremely sick, and I soon had my sister and niece staying at my house to keep from getting my mom sick with their colds.

July was a good month. My mom was doing better with chemo, Jordan's mom was recovering wonderfully, and I got ready to start school. I hoped that the worst was over. It wasn't.

I went home the weekend before school started in August to see my family. My dad came in the living room one night, sat across from me, and told me he needed to talk to me. He told me that he got an apartment and was moving out. My mom apparently found some emails between him and a woman he had been having an affair with and told him to leave. I didn't even know what to say. I just sat there staring at him as he tried to explain how they had been having problems and how if my mom had only been a better wife than none of this would have happened.

I have no idea how I could live with someone all of my life and never really know them. I found out later that this wasn't the first woman he had cheated on my mom with, and that he wasn't really sorry that he did it, only sorry that he hurt us. I suddenly feel like I've never even known my own father, and part of me wonders if I ever will. I haven't spoken to him since. I honestly just don't know what to say.

So here we are in October. Trying to handle school in the midst of this is incredibly hard, but by the grace of God I'm making it through. This has been the hardest year of my entire life, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been angry and bitter. I'm sorry that I haven't handled this with the grace I'm called to. You guys, know that the Lord is so faithful. I can't imagine trying to do this without Him. My earthly father has failed me, but my heavenly Father never will and that is incredible. He's teaching me to trust Him and to let go. My life has shattered around me, and I've learned dependency. I don't have it all together, I have no idea what I'm doing, but it doesn't matter. I don't have to know all of the answers. All I have to know is that Christ is leading me through this, step by step.

-LD